Dear Los Angeles,
As with every love story, we have had a tempestuous journey in our relationship and quest for mutual understanding. But as with every journey, there comes a parting of ways. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
I have lived in Los Angeles for the better part of four years now, and in Southern California my entire life. Now, every state has it’s problems, and certainly every major metropolitan city.
Don’t mistake me; I love California. I’m spoiled to live here. There are four seasons, and all of them are sunny flip-flop weather.
But if you don’t fix the following things soon, Los Angeles, I’m afraid we may have to go on a break. Where we see other people. If you are not comfortable with that idea, please address and adjust the following bullet points promptly.
1. The City of Los Angeles Parking Authority. You want me to pay my tickets that I don’t deserve? You’ll have to catch me first! (Note the picture. However, this is obviously not Los Angeles, because this photo contains plants that are not dead.)
2. The crazy homeless guy who roots through my dumpster for recyclables. Root away, I don’t mind! But don’t having a screaming match with yourself at 5 a.m. right outside my window. Rude.
3. The five-lane lane merge of death coming from the 101 S to the 110 S. I have seen my life flash before my eyes, and let me tell you: it was short.
4. Every single alley that reeks of piss vapor. What is that, a perfume now?
5. Living by a fire station where sirens go off 24/7. Wee oooh, weeeee oooh, weee….
6. “Oh, you only have five dollars on you? Well this small order of french fries is $20. What do you want, it’s LA! Thank you for stopping at McDonald’s.”
7. THE SLOW LANE IS IN THE RIGHT LANE. DO NOT GO 55 MPH IN THE LEFT LANE.
8. This drive that normally takes me 10 minutes has taken me 1 hour and fifteen minutes. What time is it? Ah yes, 5 o’clock rush hour.
9. The only green living thing here is the hot dog someone smashed into the sidewalk 3 weeks ago and left there that has now developed mold and begun to move on its own.
10. Why don’t the street cleaners ever come on street cleaning day? It’s their only job! If you’re going to ticket me for parking there, at least make sure you come to clean.
11. Running outside is like sticking your mouth on the end of an exhaust pipe. If I liked running, this would really bother me.
12. Hipsters that listen exclusively to 8 tracks, only take photos with discontinued Polaroid film, and never shave their molestache, but drive their mom’s Audi to work. If you’re going to be an elitist, commit and get a fixed gear. Stop posing, suburbanite.
13. Hollywood Boulevard at 2 a.m. No explanation necessary.
14. The only subway in L.A. serves sandwiches.
15. Living in South Central. It’s not the location that bothers me, it’s the drive-bys.
Thank you for your time and consideration, Los Angeles. It’s been an affair to remember.
P.S. In regards to #7, please see below for suggestions. I don’t like to bring up problems without offering solutions: