Retail Hell

The unemployment rate in this country means the terrorists are winning.

For those of you unfamiliar with my job situation (i.e. everyone who doesn’t listen when I talk), I am a recent college graduate.  As such, I fall into that truly blessed 53% of recent college grads who are unemployed and living at home with their parents.

Now, I know I may have had a part in bringing this upon myself.  I majored in print journalism.  To all of you who are about to say “the newspaper industry is dying,” I’VE HEARD.  I was PREPARED to live in a cardboard box in my local alley and eat dumpster bagels if it meant being the next Edward R. Murrow.

As a print journalism major, it only makes sense that I would enjoy the Facebook page Overheard in the Newsroom.  They post things other journalists–guess what–overheard in the newsroom.  Recently, they posted this gem:

Reporter: “There’s a new HBO show about journalists.”

Photo chief: “Are they all sitting at home not having jobs?”

The answer is if they aren’t, they should be.

But, I should say, I’m not TRULY unemployed.  Just under-employed.  I work a retail job that pays barely above minimum wage and only hires me for 10-14 hours a week.  On a good week.  That’s not even truly part time.  To be totally frank, retail is killing my soul.  And they don’t much love me either.  As my comrade in retail once said to me, “You know its bad when you take out private health insurance as a preventative measure.  Unemployment is imminent.”

So naturally, rather than just bitching about this, I decided to increase the heavy intensity of my job hunt even further and just…find a better option.  After all, I refuse to be one of those people who Ben Franklin said “die at 25, but aren’t buried until they’re 75.”

So just find another job, right?  Sounds pretty easy.

It isn’t.

My lack of job success combined with the constant emails from LinkedIn reminding me of the new and exciting jobs all of my peers are getting serves only to exacerbate my frustration.  Half of the reason there aren’t jobs for anyone in my age bracket is because of all the bureaucratic BS that goes on behind the scenes.  I voiced my anger at this state of affairs to my same retail-burdened friend I mentioned earlier, and he sent me this in regard to a Facebook post I made about being hired:


“[Insert Company], Inc.
HR | Compliance Surveillance Strategies Group

CONFIDENTIAL: to be read by recipient only


Per the [Insert company] Associate’s Bible® corporate policy compendium, section 15 § 78a-g: “Associates® may not engage in unauthorized use of social and non-social media tools in reference to current employment at [Insert Company], Inc, (hereafter referred to as “the Company,” inclusive of all wholly-owned and affiliated subsidiaries).”

The Company’s Outside Counsel (Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Esq.) has advised that such media tools include, but are not limited to: Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare® (online and playground), sidewalk chalk postings (exclusive of renderings drawn past the point Where The Sidewalk Ends), carrier pigeon (and Hogwarts Owls), daytime TV rants, shouting all crazy/ethnic in public, graffiti art, messages etched into the remaining hair on the male or female shaved head (inclusive of other body hair regions at the Company’s sole discretion), Bedazzled® cellphone cases marked with derogatory comments regarding our stores, and stick figures on public restroom dividers (exceptions include statements accompanying hot chicks’ phone numbers and adolescents’ Sharpie-scrawled cries for help, which must be reported promptly or disciplinary action up to and including public shaming/execution may be taken). The Company may also employ Indians and other sources of outsourced labor to monitor, search, stripsearch, Google, gaggle, surveil, or go all TSA on their ass to said media tools at will without further notice.

Recent statements that you made on __Facebook__ may have contained information in violation of this policy. While we understand your __excitement__ at __obtaining a job___ we ask that you cease and desist immediately. Congratulations on beginning your career with the Company, and dare we say we better not this conversation again.

InSincerely yours,



Maybe it doesn’t solve my problems, but it certainly makes me feel better about them.  Thoughts on the economy sending your life into a shame spiral?  Share them in the comments.